Divorce Storm

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Divorce Storm

As a marriage minister, teacher, counselor, and a Christian woman in leadership, my viewpoint on divorce was cut and dry. I believed it to be a highway with no exits. “Divorce” should not be threatened in the heat of an argument, or even so much as discussed as an option. If you did not believe it exists, then it would not exist. You can get in and fight harder, love more, listen, and change. Stay strong to the covenant with God and commitment and vows to each other and you can conquer all.

Here I am in the aftermath of ending 28 years of marriage scratching my head trying to figure out what happened. Nothing looks familiar. My surroundings are different, my circumstances are different, my thoughts are different and my heart is different. I am looking at the aftermath. I had a friend say this to me: “I see a beautiful platter made of colorful, beautiful glass. I then have a vision of that platter being thrown to the solid ground and shattering to pieces. I see you attempt to pick up the pieces as if they were a puzzle to put them back together, but some are so badly damaged, they cannot be reassembled.“ I have often had a visual in my mind of what she described. I wanted so bad for that platter to be put back together by the artist and to be as good as new.

There was a storm. It was predicted, warned about, I even heard the sirens long before it happened…but I did not believe it would actually happen.

There was a destructive dust storm. Sand was in my eyes, I could not see. It was in my mouth often choking me, the sharp pellets struck my face and cut my eyes so as I cried to clear them sometimes I felt like I was crying blood. Everything hurt, my body ached, my lungs struggled to breathe.

There was a horrible hurricane. The water pushed me under. I used all my might and all of my strength to surface, but there were days I lost sight of the sunlight and just floated. I felt something heavy holding me down. I had thoughts of dying.

There was terrible tornado. Everything was spinning and twisting out of control. Nothing was where it should be. The noise was deafening. I was confused and dazed. The destruction was beyond my comprehension. The truth got buried deep under the rubble, the stench of lies was enough to make you vomit. Communication was lost, relationships were cut off. Countless times the loneliness consumed me.

I found myself deep in grief. I felt so many things; lost, angry, sad, angry, depressed, perplexed, angry, and defeated. I vowed to God not to sin in my anger. I vowed to choose the high road even when it felt impossible. I committed myself to the Lord and chose to live for Him. Not an easy task when my flesh wanted to cope. My “self” wanted to numb the pain, escape, replace lost love, get back to my life, and ultimately heal faster. I failed over and over but kept my commitment focused and leaned on His grace and mercy often.

I am a different person after the storm, and I am still growing, healing, learning, and seeking. I am grateful for those who served a place in my healing. Some of those friends were there for a moment, a small time, on and off, and some are forever friends. Each served a purpose and I pray that somehow I served a purpose for them as well in some small way.

I am leaning on the promises of God. To make me new. To give me the desires of my heart. To help me to forgive like him, love like him and live for Him. We are all in this thing called life together, I plan to do my best with what I have been given. I pray for a day when my dreams are renewed. Dreams of a fairy tale love with my soul mate, a family of unity and love, and living my purpose for as long as I have on earth. One thing is for sure, I will spend eternity with my Heavenly Father where there are no storms and divorce will not even be in the vocabulary.